When your son goes to the mountain: Why single mothers need support too

People speak about his journey, his transition into manhood and the lessons he will learn. Families prepare, relatives offer advice and plans begin taking shape. In some homes, one conversation can quickly grow into a full family operation, complete with WhatsApp groups, strong opinions and at least one malume who suddenly becomes an expert in everything, even though nobody remembers appointing him.

Yet, at the heart of all that preparation is a mother carrying a journey of her own.

She may be proud that her son is reaching an important milestone while quietly worrying about his safety. She may be organising clothes, arranging transport, crunching the numbers and trying to understand what lies ahead. If she is raising her son alone, she may also be wondering who she can turn to when she has questions that she cannot answer by herself.

Her son may be preparing to leave home, but she is preparing to let him go.

And that is not the easiest thing to digest.

Thandi (a single mother from the Eastern Cape), who has walked this journey, described feeling both joy and concern when her son was preparing to go:

“I was feeling very good, but I was worrying again because some of the boys that are going to initiation, some of them die there or get hurt.”

Her words capture something many mothers may understand: pride and worry do not cancel each other out. Sometimes they sit together in the same heart at the same time.

Thandi’s concern came from the primal simplicity of someone who loves her child and wants him to return safely.

Yet mothers, particularly single mothers, can sometimes be expected to prepare everything, support everyone and then wait quietly while the process unfolds.

Perhaps we need to ask more often:

Who is supporting the mother?

But first let’s understand what traditional initiation is. 

It’s an important cultural rite of passage practised by some South African communities. It may include traditional circumcision and teachings intended to prepare young men for adulthood. Although practices differ between cultural communities and families, the journey is not just physical. It may also involve lessons about identity, discipline, responsibility, respect and a young man’s role within his family and community.

Growing up, I watched young men in my own community return from the mountain with a different demeanour about them.

Before they left, we were age mates. We played together, laughed at the same things and shared the same impressive ability to disappear whenever an adult called us to sweep the yard, fetch water or explain how the window had suddenly cracked.

Then they went away and something had obviously shifted when they returned. Their walk seemed more deliberate, their voices carried new authority, and some spoke in code with an air of “you had to have been there to understand”.

It was almost as if manhood cards had been handed out on the mountain and some of the new cardholders had immediately volunteered to inspect the behaviour of the rest of us.

Sure, we joked about it, but we all had some internal issues to interrogate, especially for those growing up without their fathers.

Watching these changes raised questions we did not always know how to express. Could this rite of passage offer guidance, identity, belonging or a clearer understanding of what it meant to become a man?

The journey was clearly intentional. And so were the people supporting the young man before he left and waiting for him when he returned.

Preparation should include mothers

Preparation is often discussed in terms of what the young man needs, but mothers need preparation too.

They need space to ask questions, understand what they can expect and speak openly about their concerns. They also need opportunities to talk with their sons before the journey begins.

Thandi explained that the decision was discussed between her and her son:

“Between me and my son, we agreed that it’s time for him to go to initiation school.”

That shared decision creates space for a young man to express how he feels and gives a mother an opportunity to prepare emotionally and practically.

This important conversation can happen casually while doing the everyday activities. 

A mother can ask:

How do you feel about going?What are you expecting?Is there anything worrying you?

And, perhaps most essentially:

Do you know that you can always speak to me?

One of the hardest parts for some mothers is not knowing what’s happening while their sons are away.

A message saying, “He is fine,” may bring some relief, but it can also create a whole new set of questions.

Fine how? Is he eating? Is he healthy? Is he healing well? Who can I speak to if I am worried?

Thandi described the difficulty of carrying these questions without knowing who to approach:

“You don’t have a person that you can ask those deep questions about your child when he’s there in initiation school.”

Pastor and community leader, Pastor Vuyo, has stepped up as a father figure to help many single mothers and their sons in his community navigate this milestone. He encourages mothers to identify a responsible and trusted man who can walk alongside them before, during and after the journey. This may be a family member, a mature man from church, a respected community member or another responsible father figure.

This person is not there to interfere with culturally private matters but he can help the mother understand the process, ask appropriate questions and know where to turn when concerns arise.

For Thandi, she found encouragement through her family, church and pastor. She said: “The most support that I got, was from my church, especially my pastor and the people in the church. I had their full support.”

Someone can help with transport. Someone can assist with preparations. Someone can contribute towards costs. Someone can pray with the mother or simply ask, “Mama, how are you coping?”

Behind the proud smile may be a mother who’s budgeting, organising, praying and checking her phone so often that it nearly grew shy.

Still, she should not have to carry all of that alone. Father figures can play such an important role.

The financial pressure dilemma

The initiation school preparation process be very expensive. For a single mother already juggling groceries, school needs, maintaining the household, the financial pressure can be heavy.

“We have to buy those clothes, and those clothes are very, very expensive, so you have to prepare yourself", Thandi said. 

Families can support mothers by planning early, sharing responsibilities and contributing practically where possible, making the burden for uMama more bearable. 

The meaning of this occasion is found in more than the ululating and dancing, it’s found in the values, support and guidance surrounding the young man.

When a son returns, a mother may notice changes in the way he speaks, carries himself or understands his place in the family.

Thandi noticed positive changes in her son:

“When he came out from initiation school, he was respectful and caring.”

Initiation may mark an important transition, but becoming a responsible man continues long after the journey ends.

A mother can honour her son’s growth while continuing to offer love, guidance, boundaries and accountability. Reaching an important milestone does not mean that a young man no longer needs support or that household chores have officially become optional.

When asked what advice she would give other mothers, Thandi offered a simple but powerful message:

“Find someone that you can talk to.”

Her advice carries the weight of experience. A mother should not wait until she is overwhelmed or facing a concern before seeking support. She can identify trusted people early and build a support circle around herself and her son.

Because when a young man goes to initiation school, he is not the only person going through a transition but his mother is learning to release, trust, prepare and wait.

Pride and concern coexist within her. She is managing practical responsibilities while holding onto hope. And when her son returns, she is still the person who will continue walking with him through life.

Supporting her is more than the cultural journey. It strengthens the family around it.

If we want to support young men as they grow into adulthood, we must also support the mothers who have carried them, raised them and continue to stand beside them.