How biological fathers and stepfathers can successfully co-parent

For generations, the picture of the "ideal" family was simple: a mother, a father and their children living under one roof. But this isn't every family's reality and learning how to co-parent well is so important, for the child's sake.

Many women want their child’s biological father to be involved in their child's life even though they are no longer romantically involved with him. But for everyone involved, it can be a tricky reality to navigate.

In South Africa, our understanding of manhood is often tied to status, dominance, pride and the appearance of success. And when two men, particularly from different social or economic contexts, are put in one space, these unspoken expectations can quickly turn parenting into a competition. 

The biological father may feel that his place is being threatened, while the stepfather may feel pressure to prove that he belongs. But this is where many of us get it wrong. Instead of asking, "What is best for our child?" the question quietly becomes, "Who is the better man?"

Why can't dads just get along? 

Clinical Psychologist, Dr Keitumetse Mashego says that “as humans we don't often have difficult conversations” nor do we often “possess the emotional awareness to navigate complex things such as relationships” and when we navigate this relationship without any emotional maturity, open communication or clear boundaries it “can create a lot of anxiety or animosity; competition and unfortunately then the child(ren) who are meant to be priority suffer.” Dr Mashego also highlights that “unresolved relationships issues will make your co-parenting journey difficult”. 

Whether the biological father is still struggling to get over the relationship and now feels betrayed by his ex and her new partner, or the mother has unresolved issues with her child's biological father, even while in a new relationship, it is important to keep the child’s needs first.  Dr Mashego adds that “unfortunately feelings are abstract with no logic” but it's important for dads to remember that “whatever they gave that is beneficial to the child is not in vain as long as they gave purely and to the best of their ability.” 

Dr Mashego's top tip to getting dad’s to co-parent successfully is to have respectful conversations, even if they are uncomfortable. 

She also recommends agreeing on a parenting plan that forces everyone to be accountable. “I always recommend that blended families get a formalised parenting plan in place so that everyone knows what their roles are.” Dr Mashego also recommends getting a “legal document or getting intervention from someone who is objective – such as a social workers or children's court – especially if there are any feelings of animosity amongst the family.” “I have always found that this is the best way as it always puts the child(ren)'s interest first”.

If you are looking for more tips and tools on how to have a healthy co-parenting relationship read our other co-parenting articles here or join the free WhatsApp Coach for support on your fatherhood journey.