Forging a new path for fatherhood in the Eastern Cape

Heartlines board member Mbulelo Bikwani opened the Fathers Matter Ambassador Conference in East London on 18 July by highlighting that too many men, and fathers in particular, lack integrity and repeatedly break their promises to their children. Tata Bikwani invited delegates to sincerely reflect on whether they would be comfortable with their children emulating their behaviour.

Another of the conference’s keynote speakers, Pastor Vuyo Mkonwana, spoke about the father wounds that are evident in so many communities in the Eastern Cape. He explained that their effects become cyclical, and that children end up replicating the wounds that are inflicted on them. When discussing cultural practices that can cause harm to children, he poignantly asked: “Why is our culture more important than the well-being of our children?”

Girls and women’s stories are essential in shaping boys to men

A women’s panel, anchored with remarkable courage, sensitivity and clarity by Nomonde Ngcolomba, showed how women’s stories about their fatherhood journeys are essential for men as they learn to understand the impact of their beliefs and behaviour on women and children.

“Despite being married to my mum, and living with us, my dad was often absent, as he devoted himself to church activities, rather than be involved in my life as a child and adolescent. Every picture I have with my parents includes other people from the church or community. I never had my dad to myself,” shared one panellist.

Even though the women spoke with honesty about their father wounds, the tone was carefully curated with respect and dignity. It’s undeniable that reflective conversations about masculine identity need to include the voices of women.

Fathers speak to the worth, identity and destiny of their children

The men’s panel, anchored by Lubabalo Ngcolomba, followed. He reflected on his early struggles with stuttering, which his father helped him to overcome. “My dad would say: ‘You are struggling because you are too clever! Your mind is too fast for your mouth,’” he shared.

Another panel member recounted his experience of his father who spoke the absolute minimum to him. This reality of a physically present father who provided materially or financially but left an emotional vacuum is shared by many children in South Africa.

As Heartlines senior programme manager Brian Helsby described it, “As fathers, we are required to provide more than just material or financial support. We need to understand how absolutely vital our physical and emotional presence and involvement is in the lives of our children, and the children of our communities.”

The vulnerability of the keynote speakers and men on the panel, who are respected members of communities, churches and workplaces, paved the way for deep and honest dialogue about the complex social, political, cultural and spiritual challenges facing the Eastern Cape region.

Characterised by a tangible sense of shared ownership (including structured plans), engaging dialogue, vulnerable story-telling and an eagerness to critically expose some of the complex challenges in the region, and in ‘the self’, the conference exceeded both the expectations of the delegates and the staff team.