My father's love language

When we think about love languages, we often tie it to romantic relationships. But over the years I have learnt to recognise my dad’s love language in the hopes of building a better relationship with him. Now that my dad’s closer to retirement, he feels like my dad again – which is funny really, because he’s really remained the same person; I just didn't see him for who he was and how he wanted to be loved by us.

For many fathers, love is not always expressed through words and grand gestures. Instead, it often shows up in the quiet, practical ways that are easy to miss if you are only looking for verbal affirmation. Many of us were raised in households that taught men that providing, protecting and sacrificing are the greatest expressions of love. Which could be why many of the men in our lives are so fluent in doing "acts of service" but are awkward about expressing their emotions openly.

Understanding love languages

The concept of love languages was introduced by marriage counselor and radio host Dr Gary Chapman in his bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. In the book, Chapman explains that people often express and experience love in different ways. He identifies five primary love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

My father was consistently present in my life. He wasn't just there in name, but he showed up. My siblings and I knew that we could always count on him being there. But as he gets older, I've found myself asking a difficult question: Have we selfishly accepted his love without learning how to love him in return? Have we overlooked his need for emotional connection because it didn't fit in with the ways we naturally express affection? This question was sparked by a recent loss in the family.

​My dad lost his brother, and even though this isn’t the first sibling he has lost, for some reason my uncle's death really affected him. In the midst of grief, I realised that my dad wasn't looking for grand gestures or elaborate displays of love; he simply wanted to connect. 

I saw my dad as a person who wants a home where he can be embraced and where we hold space for him. 

It's changed how we interact, and I hope how he feels the love that we have for him. Now, instead of our Sunday night group call, we’ve found ourselves speaking a lot more. Not necessarily about the loss, but often about everyday life.

As we think about our father stories, it can help to remember that fathers are people, just like us.